Attachment Theory for Ministry
“He has borderline reactive attachment disorder.”
It was the explanation given to me as a high school babysitter after the 7 year old I was watching threw a lamp at me, called the police, and then ran outside barefoot in the February snow after I asked him to sit in timeout for hitting his sister. This little boy had been adopted out of foster care after a tumultuous first three years of being abandoned and neglected, resulting in what was termed as “borderline reactive attachment disorder.” To put it simply, to protect himself from the recurring abandonment, his mind and body had taught him to react against anyone who sought to attach themselves to him. The closer he felt to you, the more protective he would become, and often the more aggressive and reactionary. In this way, he guarded himself from more pain. This heartbreaking tale was my introduction to attachment theory, the psychological study of how our attachments with others impact our own development. Though I would learn more about this branch of psychology as I earned my undergraduate degree of psychology, it would not be mentioned once in my graduate theological studies as I prepared for ministry. As a pastor, I believe this is problematic. Though I don’t believe every pastor should have a psychology degree, the truth is ministry is at its core relational. Having at minimum a base level understanding of how relationships impact a person’s mental and physical development can be an incredible tool in seeking to do ministry well. As we continue to move through mental health awareness month, today I want to give you a foundational understanding of attachment theory and three key ways you can use findings from attachment theory in your ministry.
So what is attachment theory? Basically it’s the psychological study of the ways in which our relationships, or our attachments, to others impact how we interact with the world around us. The research of attachment theory focuses primarily on our relationships with our primary caregivers during the first few years of our lives. Through studying the relationships between young children and their primary caregivers, researchers identified two main attachment styles: secure and insecure. When describing insecure attachment, there are two forms of insecure attachment: insecure anxious attachment and insecure avoidant attachment. For the sake of this blog, we’ll just briefly describe these forms of attachment in ways that will hopefully prove useful to you in your ministering to people:
Secure Attachment: Individuals with secure attachment are able to develop deep and close relationships with others while holding their own personal identity intact. They are able to work through disruptions in relationships and work towards reconciliation with others after a relational break.
Insecure Anxious Attachment: Individuals with insecure anxious attachment struggle to develop deep and close relationships with others. The anxious component of this attachment style refers to the way in which these individuals will interact with others out of a place of fear and anxiety, often demonstrating a clear concern that the relationship will end at any moment. This can look like clinginess, extreme people pleasing to keep the relationship afloat, and obsessing over what others may think of them.
Insecure Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with insecure avoidant attachment also struggle to develop deep and close relationships with others but rather than appearing clingy, these individuals will retreat or detach when they feel a relationship is becoming too close. Similar to the child I was babysitting, they can self-sabotage relationships, choosing to be the one who withdraws before someone can withdraw from them.
Truthfully, these categories are not exclusive, and most of us probably find ourselves experiencing a combination of multiple, or all, of these attachment styles. It is important to recognize which attachment style we default to most often and which one we find ourselves operating out of when we’re experiencing a break in relationship (can we move towards the other in hopes of reconciliation, do we anxiously seek to amend the situation without truly working through the conflict, or do we simply withdraw entirely perhaps even in anger or frustration?). As a pastor, understanding your own attachment tendencies can help you navigate the messy relational waters of ministry. Before you consider how understanding the attachment styles of those you lead can be helpful, take time to truly ask yourself (perhaps with a therapist or trusted mentor) what your attachment patterns are. Take time to reflect on how that may be impacting your ministry. Once you have done this work, you can begin to apply attachment theory to the work of ministry.
There are 3 main ways to implement attachment theory in ministry that can be helpful to those of us who serve as pastors. Attachment theory can help increase our compassion, remind us of the importance of walking through conflict, and provide us with a relational lens of discipleship.
Eyes of Compassion: As pastors we are called to see our congregations as God sees them. I am often reminded of Matthew’s description of Jesus as he looked out on the crowd who had followed him to a remote place desperate for healing and teaching. Matthew tells us that Jesus looked at them and had compassion for they were helpless like sheep without a shepherd. The truth is, individuals with insecure attachment styles can be frustrating. They can make wading through conflict difficult. Out of their own place of insecurity they can hurt us and others. It can be easy to feel a lack of compassion for the congregant who is always lashing out at people or the one who seems “clingy.” While there is always a need for boundaries and for protecting those who are being harmed, as pastors who shepherd the entire flock, we must also have compassion on those who are acting out of insecure attachment. Attachment theory helps us do just that by inviting us to change our question. Instead of asking, “what did you do?” Perhaps we can begin to ask, “What happened to you?” We can begin to ask ourselves, “how can I help restore this individual’s attachment by demonstrating healthy attachment and rooting them in secure attachment to God?” Attachment theory gives us compassion by reminding us that those who are struggling to develop deep relationships with others are most likely doing so because of abandonment or neglect they once experienced. The solution for this is not a behavior modification system, but repeated moments of restoration in the midst of a relational rupture.
The Importance of Walking Through Conflict: Healthy attachment is built most in times of a relational break or rupture. An infant learns healthy attachment when they cry out in need and their cry is responded to by a loving, attentive caregiver. It is how we are responded to when we are hurt or in need that forms us most. As pastors, if we desire to form faith communities composed of securely attached relationships, then we must remember to tend closely to the moments of conflict that will undoubtedly arise. How we walk through conflict and how we help our congregations walk through moments of relational strife is powerfully formative. Does your congregation know how to pursue reconciliation when relationships break? Are broken relationships able to be restored and mended or is conflict ignored and avoided? Are those in leadership in your congregation able and willing to admit when they are wrong, receive correction, and initiate a process of reconciliation when they find themselves in conflict? In these moments of working to repair relationships, pastors can help lead entire congregations to a place of healthy attachment that fosters deep and meaningful relationships amongst the people.
A Relational Lens for Discipleship: Discipleship happens in community. This may seem obvious to many of you reading this, but according to research, a high percentage of Christians believe spiritual growth to be a private matter. In other words, people are pursuing discipleship outside of a community. The problem with this approach to spiritual growth and formation is too big of a topic for this one blog post. For now, I want to draw connections to attachment theory. The church has a powerful role it can play in helping to heal people’s insecure attachment styles. When we approach discipleship in our churches from a relational lens, we remind people that they were created out of relationship and for relationship. When our discipleship is always done in the context of community, we have the ability to help individuals begin to heal from their insecure attachment styles and begin to form securely attached relationships with others and with God.
As you read through this brief introduction to attachment theory and its implications for ministry, my question for you is, “what is your next step?” Do you need to take time to better understand your own attachment style? Do you feel led to rethink your discipleship process by asking the question, “how is this providing people with safe and healthy relationships?” Do you need to ask your leadership team to honestly answer the question, “how does our church handle conflict?” Whatever it might be, I pray you and your church family are able to make steps towards health in your relationships.
