Caring for Your Call as You Care for the Hurting
My sister is a social worker and in her line of work she is exposed to much trauma. One day after she described a particularly horrific event through which she walked a family, I asked her, “How do you not break seeing all this trauma?” She answered simply,
“I believe there’s hope in Jesus and I have a therapist.”
Today as we continue our series on understanding the implications of trauma on the life of the church I want to take a moment and speak to the pastors and church leaders. I want to share with you practical ways to shepherd hurting people well. I am going to share with you two main temptations faced by those in caring professions and ways to avoid those traps so that you can serve well. However, before I get to that, I believe my sister offers great wisdom to those of us leading in the church. So the first thing I want to ask you is, “Do you believe in the hope of Jesus and do you have a therapist? See, the truth is, as you shepherd people you will often be asked to bear witness to great suffering. You will serve as first responders, being called to the hospital bed or the site of the shooting. You will be confided in by those who finally feel ready to share their story of child abuse. The suffering may feel unbearable at times and the best thing you can do as you seek to shepherd hurting people well is to ensure you are caring for yourself as well. Secondary trauma, which is trauma experienced within the mind and body by those who bear witness to traumatic events, is very real. Many in caring professions battle the effects of secondary trauma. It can create anxiety, a sense of overwhelm, and can lead to burnout. God has called you to the ministry of shepherding his church, protect that calling by clinging to the hope found in Jesus and finding yourself a good therapist.
Okay, now that we’re all rooting ourselves in the hope that is Jesus and making appointments with our therapists, let’s turn our attention to the two main temptations faced by pastors and church leaders when caring for those who have experienced trauma: becoming enmeshed and becoming withdrawn.
Becoming Enmeshed: Many who pursue pastoring do so because of their great desire to help those who are hurting. My guess is that if you are reading this, care for the suffering was a key component to your call into ministry. This is beautiful. Your compassionate heart is necessary for ministry. The way you see people who others often ignore is powerful. Your ability to provide safety for others paves ways to healing for them as they share with you the wounds that have kept them bound for years. You are a keeper of stories, a holder of pain, and you probably keep your office stocked with only the softest tissues. The world needs pastors like you, and so I say to you, beware the temptation to become enmeshed. In your desire to see people healed, do not forget who their true healer is. Point tirelessly to Jesus. Resist the temptation to take on their suffering in such a way that it begins to overwhelm and consume you as well. Be compassionate, be empathetic, continue to radiate those beautiful gifts God has given you but do not be consumed by a responsibility to heal, for only Jesus can bring healing. Instead, choose to simply be present with that deep love that comes from the recognition of how loved you are by God.
Becoming Withdrawn: There are two phrases that are becoming increasingly popular amongst pastors and church leaders that stem from studies in Family Systems Theory and those are “self-differentiation” and “non-anxious presence.” When understood correctly, these two concepts are essential to healthy leadership and caring for hurting people well. However, too often when faced with individuals who are overwhelmed by suffering, pastors and church leaders can fall prey to the temptation to become withdrawn using language such as, “I’m differentiating from your anxiety,” or “I can’t become involved because I’m choosing to be a non-anxious presence.” Often it is not their words that betray such beliefs but their actions. They leave shortly after the worship gathering, they avoid long conversations with deeply hurting people, and they refuse to engage fully and emotionally when counseling someone who is suffering. In short, they ignore the “presence” component of being a non-anxious presence. Being a non-anxious presence does not mean you refuse to get into the pit with the one who is hurting, that’s non-anxious non-presence. Being a non-anxious presence means you are able to join someone in their suffering while maintaining your own conviction that hope and healing are possible. When seeking to lead hurting people well, remember that the only way to truly be a self-differentiated non-anxious presence is to actually be present.
Being a non-anxious presence means you are able to join someone in their suffering while maintaining your own conviction that hope and healing are possible.
Knowing that these two temptations exist, I want to invite you into a self-reflection exercise. Over the course of the next 2 weeks, keep a journal noting when you were tempted to either become enmeshed or to withdraw. At the end of the two weeks, note any patterns that exist in your behavior. Are there certain struggles that you are more tempted to withdraw from? Moments that cause you to fall trapped to a desperate need to fix and heal? Which temptation is most common for you? Find a trusted friend, mentor, spiritual director or counselor to review your findings with you to help you understand yourself in such a way that you can better care for those entrusted to you.
Your presence is important. Your ministry matters. Care for your calling well.
